I don’t know how to start these things. Sometimes my “creativity” needs a little nudge in order to get started.
So I’ll just start it like this..
Ever since the “reset” button was pushed (refer back to a few posts ago if you’re not caught up), like 2 weeks ago, things have felt a little different in our relationship. Things have felt better. She seems a lot less exhausted, well, other than her body and mind going to shit from working the graveyard shift and sleeping all the next day, then goes back into the graveyard, and a little more calm. I’ve full on taken the roll of a stay at home dad. A typical day in the life of Adam consists of setting my alarm for 5am, showering and getting ready for the day, making coffee, waking the kids up for school at 6am, getting them dressed, brush their hair and teeth, feed them breakfast, be out the door at exactly 6:30 -because at 6:32, the freeway becomes mayhem- drive 30 miles which takes 54 minutes with the morning rush hour, drop Triston off first, then drop Ari off, drive 20 miles to Alvarado Parkway Institute so I can learn how to cope with existing in society, go to the gym right after, drive 30 minutes to get Triston from school at 2:05, go to Barnes and Noble to help him with his homework, drive to Ari’s school, take Triston to one of his appointments, occupational OR speech therapy, check the planner to see if Ari has any appointments that day, stop at the grocery store on the way home, buy a Bouquet of flowers to replace the dead ones, grab the boys a snack, take Bonnie’s clothes out from the dryer and do her a favor by folding them, then do Triston’s laundry, then do Ari’s laundry, then do my laundry, feed them dinner, give them baths, put their pajamas on, brush their hair and teeth, lay out their clothes for the next day, get them in bed, then clean the dishes, wipe the counter down, sweep the floor, feed the animals, walk the dog….. take a deep breath and fuck off on the couch with a candle burning, glass of wine, and re-runs of Breaking Bad.
No, I am not patting myself on the back. I put myself in manic mode because I know that the second I sit down, I will lose all motivation. And not to mention, I just really want to help my wife out with as much as I possibly can. Because I love her. With the way my emotions have been in the past 6 or so months, with the paranoia that she is out there with someone else betraying me and our marriage, I needed to put those demons away. Nothing good will ever come from it.
So, instead of being paranoid and watching every step she makes, I’m going to do the opposite and kill her with love, kindness, and compassion. She may take it or leave it, that isn’t up to me. But at the end of the day I take great pleasure knowing that I’m doing this for her.
Now, let’s talk about my insecurities and how they’ve become the new paranoia..
Yesterday we had a really great day. Together we brought the boys and our dog to the Del Mar dog beach. When we first moved to San Diego, everything was amazing. We were happy, we had each other, and our marriage was solid. Yesterday as we were standing on that boulder watching the waves crash under the big blue sky, I was reflecting on the people we used to be. I was nostalgic even though it’s only been a year and a half. At one point I grabbed her by the waist and put my arms around her and said “do you remember when we used to do this and enjoyed it before everything went to shit”?
First let me clarify that I do not believe she is cheating on me, those demons fucked off. But of course, the old demons were replaced by the new demons. Last night as we were laying in bed, I started to really get carried away with letting my brain take the midnight wheel. We are having financial issues this week. She brings in the only income and I can’t contribute at all. All I can think about was her and her coworkers. She works with people who really have their shit together and aren’t an emotional wreck like me.
“Why is she with me when there are other men out there who can offer her things that I cannot”
“She is a very strong and intelligent woman, and she works with intelligent men, and I’m just Adam. A dope from NJ with no direction”
“I am worthless to her and the kids”
“With her salary and with the salary of someone else, together they can buy the perfect house”
“I am holding her and the kids back”
“I should do the right thing and let her go”
Those were the voices that were going over and over again until I couldn’t take it anymore. I just had to get up and go on the other room. On the dark kitchen floor, I sat up against the cabinet under the sink with my head between my legs hysterically crying, and I couldn’t stop. I felt absolutely useless. My depression took another turn, and this one hurt. When the voices tell me the things I mentioned above, I’m not very nice to myself. I put myself down, I degrade myself. I’m too deep in that hole that I really do, with all my heart, believe these things about myself. I am her idiot husband.
This morning I came clean with her and confessed what was on my mind (and still is on my mind). What she said to me today is what she’s been saying to me for years…
“You can do what I do if you give it a shot”
-are you serious? Do you really believe that I can do what you do?
“Go to college, it’s never too late for college. You can do ANYTHING you want as long as you don’t sell yourself short”
-yeah but, I was a senior in high school 3 years in a row, I graduated when I was 20. When it comes to math, I can’t go beyond multiplication. I’m just not book smart, I never was.
“Well… you need to find that ONE thing that makes you happy, and pursue it. Do something with your photography skills”
-LOL “skills”??? I wouldn’t necessarily say that I have skills. I bought my camera back in 2010 and I couldn’t even begin to try to understand the settings. I have no idea what I’m doing.
“It doesn’t matter, that’ll eventually come. What you need to do is get the word out somehow and say that you are trying to get a portfolio together, I need people who are willing to let me shoot them for free”
-yeah but, what if I suck and the exposure is all fucked up or something? It’s embarrassing.
“Well, there are photography classes you can take 😁”
So this morning I finally took her advice and started looking at courses I could take. I know my wife. What makes her exceptionally cool is that I know she would support me 110%. Obviously, we need the money. However, if I find that one thing that would make me happy, and I stick with it, and can potentially make it a career some day, she would back me up. It would be different if I didn’t take chances and just sat in my ass all fucking day soaking in my own sorrow. Which is what I’ve been doing. How can anyone be attracted to THAT?
At this point in my life, depressed, anxious, paranoid, on the verge of losing my family, and standing on the edge.. at this point in my life why not just say YES to something and take that leap? Embrace it. I can’t tell you how much I fucking love the word EMBRACE. If I started coming home every evening, with a HUUUUGE stupid smile on my face, completely stoked about my day, things would get better for my family and myself. Even if I’m not getting paid a dime, I can guarantee that my wife Bonnie would enjoy being my wife again. When she and I first met in the winter of ’06, she would see that man again. It’s the only thing I can do with myself and just embrace whatever challenges come my way.
Thomas Edison was one of the most important humans to had ever walked this planet. He was a very inspirational man, and there are three quotes that have inspired for a long time, I just did nothing with it and ended up being a lazy insecure fucking nobody. He said:
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”
” many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
So why couldn’t I just listen to him and go for it, even if I didn’t achieve my goals? Let’s fucking go and embrace this amazing world with curiosity, adventure, and heart!