This past February I was hospitalized and put on a 72 hour hold. That was when I knew that I have to get my bipolar under control. While I was on the hold, I met with my psychiatrist for the first time. He wasn’t ready to discharge me at first, which was scary because I didn’t want to be there in the first place. I mean I am grateful that the damage that I may have caused didn’t happen and nothing at a permanent outcome, but he said that he will discharge me if I would agree to this partial hospitalization program (PHP). I was thinking “I will agree to do ANYTHING if it means that I can get out of “jail”, have my phone back, and actually eat my breakfast/lunch/dinner will actual human beings.
Well, in order to get into the program, I have to sign something that says I will commit to not touching marijuana or alcohol while in this type of treatment. I’ve never a regular marijuana user, I just picked it up a few months before my hospitalization. It wasn’t a part of me and I didn’t rely on it. But I signed it just to get out of my hold.
I have now been in this program for 4 months. I went from going 5 days a week, 6 hours a day to the IOP (which is what I am in now) 3 days a week, 3 hours a day. Every.single.day they have me in the drugs and alcohol group. I have asked time and time again to PLEASE put me in one of the mood groups. They keep telling me that I’m supposed to be in this group because of my marijuana use. Well today, 2 weeks before my discharge, I finally exploded and said “I do not, have never, and will never have a drug or alcohol problem. THAT is NOT why I am here. I am here because I WANTED TO FUCKING DIE. I belong one of cognitive therapy groups. Every day on our 15 minute break I see your patients outside on the sidewalk vaping, right before they go into THEIR mood group high. How dare you think I have a drug problem. You are not respecting my needs. I’m graduating from this program in 2 weeks, if I end up back upstairs (inpatient) at anytime, that is YOUR fuck up”. It’s so frustrating.
These therapists, they are amazing. And they really are, I’m not being sarcastic one bit. BUT they have it all figured out, don’t they? They always know what’s best for the patient even if the patient doesn’t have a single trace of THC in their urine, yes, they test once a week.
I won’t deny for a minute that this is not a good program, because it is. It’s an amazing program and I really am absorbing the coping skills that I need, when I am NOT in the drugs and alcohol treatment room just staring at a fucking wall, unable to relate to what anyone is saying.
I guess the purpose of this post is to vent, but also to finally say that you should ALWAYS take your therapists advice, but NEVER be afraid to question it or stand up for yourself if you feel like something isn’t working. Just like medication. If you feel that your meds aren’t working, discuss it with your psychiatrist. Don’t ever just stop taking it, but definitely have that conversation.
Advocate for yourself, even if no one else will. Don’t ever just “accept” the things that you may not feel is right.
But ALWAYS seek help no matter what.