A song played on the radio…

I am embarrassed to talk about this, but I’ve been vulnerable as fuck lately. The past two weeks of my life have felt completely shattered. Emotionally, I am hanging on by a thread. As a guy, it’s embarrassing when I cry, but I look at crying as a good thing because it gives you a chance to really understand the things that are happening around you, acknowledging them, working on the problem, and coming out as a stronger person in the end.

I’m not going to get into personal details to what has caused me to feel this way, that isn’t why I’m writing this. This morning after dropping the kids off at school, I got back into the Jeep and turned up the music a little louder. “Gone” came on and I immediately began to cry as the beginning of the song took over..

“it was a cloudy night,

Or so it looked to me.

I felt so lost,

I couldn’t say why.

I needed strength to change my mind,

But these ghosts stick to me like glue.

Hating life, believing I was no good”

That spoke to me in ways you wouldn’t understand.

I had waterfalls pouring down my cheeks, and the person sitting in the car next to me and saw me crying. It was fucking embarrassing. When the light turned green and I started to move, my face was red and wet, and getting even wetter. But then Pete’s guitar and Greg’s voice got louder, then the verse came in and hit me like a bolt of lightening just impaled my heart…

“It was a darkness all my own,

A song played on the radio, it went straight to my heart,

I carried it with me until that darkness was gone..”

As soon as I started to feel the message this song was desperately trying to show me, I shot up faster than Frankenstein’s monster. I felt alive. I was still crying but then out of nowhere I just started to laugh hysterically like a maniac. I was laughing like the joker. I don’t know why that was, but it felt absolutely fucking magnificent. When I started to come back down, by the end of the song I had a peaceful smile on my face.

Isn’t it amazing how just one song can change your perspective of what heartbreak feels like? The feeling may never go away, but if you can find just one song that speaks directly to you, and the struggles you are facing, there is a sense of beauty on the other side of that dark tunnel you’re trying to crawl through. It gives you a chance to be authentic as fuck with yourself, and the world.

Keep on rockin’ in the free world.

⚡️❤️⚡️

The stars can’t shine without darkness

I am stealing this story from a Facebook post that my wife posted earlier this week. I promise to keep my stories original and from my own personal heart. But this one right here touched my soul. It’s about love, challenges, heartache, and the Bouncing Souls. Oh, and speaking of the souls, on the bottom of this post is a screenshot of the text Bonnie mentions in her story.

-Adam

“Last night I started dating this guy…

This may be confusing to those of you who know that I have been a married woman for almost 11 years now, but allow me to explain. In the spirit of being transparent I am going to share with you a glimpse of a REAL life love story. It isn’t pretty. It isn’t wrapped up neatly in a bow…in fact, at times it’s a complete and utter mess.

I would like to start by saying that mental illness is the devil. And I mean this with all my heart. It destroys not only the person who has it, but it destroys relationships and families as well. Adam has recently opened up publicly about his diagnosis which is why I feel comfortable sharing this.

The last few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions, highs and lows, ups and downs, laughter and tears. 2 steps forward, 1 step back…I suppose it’s all par for the course though. No one said it would be easy.

This being said, on Monday night I packed my bags, left my wedding rings on the dresser, and ran away from home…I found a quaint little Air BnB in Ramona on a horse farm where I spent the week reflecting on my marriage and what I wanted the future to bring. While I was gone, Adam also had time to reflect…I wish that I could say that we’ve come up with a perfect plan, one that is guaranteed not to fail, but we haven’t.

What we have concluded though is this…one thing we have never denied is that WE LOVE EACH OTHER. Our love may not be the same as it was 13 years ago, and I don’t necessarily think that is a bad thing because WE aren’t the same as we were 13 years ago, the dynamic of our relationship has changed, we have responsibilities now, bigger bills to pay, and children who need our constant and undivided attention. It’s a different kind of love for sure, but certainly not less of a love.

So what are we going to do to repair the damage that this disease has caused? Are we too far gone or is there a light at the end of this tunnel? I suppose only time will tell, but I will say this…after last night I was able to see that the hopeless romantic I married 10 years ago is still there.

The Bouncing Souls have always been a major inspiration in our marriage. We met at a Bouncing Souls show in January 2006…A show in which I may or may not have stalked Adam and declared to make him mine that night…that following December the Souls played at the House of Blues in Atlantic City…at the time my favorite song was “Lean on Sheena” (a cover song that the Souls cover oh so perfectly)…much to my surprise in the middle of the show an announcement was made by Greg (lead singer from the Souls) as he directed the crowd’s attention to Adam by saying, ” this next song is for our friends, Bonnie and Adam, who are about to share a very special moment…” surrounded by 2300 strangers (and a group of our closest friends/family) Adam slipped a ring on my finger as the band led into my favorite song. 17 months later we were married.

Last night the Bouncing Souls came to San Diego…maybe it was destiny, but as always their timing was perfect. We had friends here visiting from AZ so despite my mood being in a slight funk from the events that took place earlier this week, I decided to still go to the show and make the best of it.

Well it turns out that Adam had been texting Pete from the Souls all day long leading up to the show…and once again, a subtle but sweet dedication was made by the Bouncing Souls for Adam and I as they led into my song “Lean on Sheena.”

Yes, that hopeless romantic I married 10 years ago is still in there…somewhere.

We have declared that this disease will NOT define Adam, and it WILL NOT tear this family apart. Although I am still not ready to put my wedding rings back on…this does not mean that we are getting divorced and we are not separated, we are simply hitting the restart button on our marriage. Some of you may notice an Enzo band on my ring finger when you see me next…this is a “place holder” for when I am ready to put the real ones back on but for right now…I am back to dating the man I fell in love with 13 years ago. Last night was the perfect 1st date…here’s to many more!

Cheers, friends! Thanks for listening.”

🖤♥️🎶♥️🖤

“I saw you from across the street today

My heart skipped a beat today

Reminding me of those lost days

And glory never fades

Years passed by and you remind me

Those things will always find me

Young hearts are made of gold that never fades away

Never fades, fades away

I heard someone say

That nothing gold can stay

But there’s a love in all our souls

And it shines like gold”

-The Bouncing Souls

Life, Lust, Love, and the Devil

Thank you for taking an interest and checking my world out. However, this site is still under construction and I have not written any blogs yet. I am new at the world of blogging and I can’t wait to be completely honest and ridiculously vulnerable with you and do not tend to leave anything out. My purpose is to talk about 100% of my personal experiences, adventures, movies, music, punk rock, mindfulness, lust, and my struggles as a newly diagnosed bipolar superhero. Oh, and I love to swear, a lot. Personally, I strongly believe that the word ‘fuck’ is a powerful way of staying authentic. Some may disagree, and that’s totally cool if you do, but I also know that there are people out there in this world who also have a mouth as loud as me.

Another thing about me…. I am a non-believer of a higher power. Well, I DO believe in a higher power, but it isn’t what you think it is. I can’t wait to talk about my beliefs at another time. I promise though, I believe that you will find my beliefs to be positive and NOT negative. You don’t have to share my beliefs, all I do is ask you to be respectful. On that note, I will never mock your faith. I will listen, and I will appreciate that we live in a country that allows us to believe in anything we choose to believe in. Also, I don’t care if if you’re religious , non-religious, gay, straight, transgender, unsure, male, female, what your race is, political party, who you voted for (although, I may or may not get into politics every now and again, but with respect to all parties).

Most of all, my way of thinking is extraordinarily unorganized, loud, fast-paced, unusual, rad. My brain is always on overdrive and I can’t wait to bring it from my heart to this computer.

Stay tuned for complete chaos..

Cheers! From San Diego

Adam

❤️⚡️❤️