Music saves

When they first announced the lineup to Kaaboo I thought “meh, it isn’t really that good”. But I wanted to go anyway simply because I love going to festivals. That’s it. Kaaboo is something that every San Diegan goes to, and I wanted to be a part of that this year. This would be the third Kaaboo that’s happened since we first moved to San Diego in July of 2017. It’s been a San Diego thing for years. but I’ve never heard of it until moving out here. I wanted to go my first year out here, I think the headliners to all three days were the Chili Peppers, Weezer, and Tom Petty. I’ve never seen Tom Petty before, and the fact that he was playing on the beach 20 minutes away from my house was pretty awesome. I ended up not going because as I mentioned in my previous post titled “the rest of my life”, I don’t have any friends here in SD. My friends all live 3,000 miles away, I’ll get to them a little later. So I don’t have any friends, my wife is my only friend here. At the time, she couldn’t go to Kaaboo with me because we had just moved to San Diego 2 months prior, and she had to work that weekend anyway. So I skipped it. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if Tom Petty hadn’t died a month later. Oh well, guess I’ll never get to seem him live.

I don’t remember who played last years lineup other than the Foo Fighters, but they were enough to get me to go. I love that band. But same thing, she had to work and I don’t have friends. I’ve gone to plenty of shows in smaller venues by myself many times, that doesn’t bother me. But an outdoor festival isn’t something I do by myself. So I skipped it yet again. I was driving Uber that weekend, and man was it a tease to be driving everyone to the festival.

So I was determined to go this year no matter what, before they even announced the lineup. All I wanted was for my wife to go with me. I miss doing things like this with her. Once they announced the lineup, I was somewhat disappointed, but wanted to go anyway. After much persuasion, I was finally able to get her to agree to do this with me.

Kaaboo is like a mini Coachella in the sense that it’s they type of festival where the girls who attend start planning out their outfits 2 weeks in advance, they take selfies of themselves in the mirror days before the event to see which pose they like the best, and the guys who attend workout extra hard at the gym so the tank tops they wear look really good on them. Of course I’m being an asshole right now, but that’s essentially the image of the Kaaboo attendees.

She told me that this would be her weekend to work, but she can probably switch with someone. I said ok, but EVERYONE she works with is going to need off for this concert. It’ll be a tough one.

That was Kaaboo, I want to talk about now about a different festival lineup that was announced weeks after we bought passes for stupid Kaaboo. A festival that makes so much more sense for me to go to. A festival where outfits are not planned out weeks in advance. A festival where you would get made fun of so bad if you walked in with a selfie-stick. A festival with the type of music that not only gave me an identity 2 decades ago, but saved my life on mutual occasions everytime life felt like it was about to come crashing down. Riot Fest ’19. Riot Fest has always been good, but the 2019 lineup is something special. Something really special.

My friends, my only friends, my TRUE friends who’ve I had in my life since 1996, my friends who still live on the east coast, my friends who I miss a little more everyday. THEY are going to this three day festival held at Douglas Park in Chicago. When I saw this lineup, happening on the SAME weekend as Kaaboo by the way, uplifted my already fucked depression. I then looked at stupid Kaaboo and punched myself in the balls really really hard. I was already committed to Kaaboo, or was I? I go home and I tell my wife about Riot Fest, hoping she would have a solution. She didn’t at first. She stated the obvious, we’re already committed to Kaaboo, we have tickets for this thing. I said that there is nothing we can’t sell as far as th biggest event in San Diego. So we posted the tickets on sale, and not even 6 hours later we had someone interested in the tickets.

Problem sovled 👍 We’re going to Riot Fest!

Fights to Chicago are under $200, which is crazy cheap. We know a ton of people who are going, so we’re going to rent a big Airbnb house. It’ll be such an amazing time. But what really made this all better for me was that Bonnie wanted to go, and she actually seemed to be really excited about it too.

With everything that I’ve been going through lately. All of the struggles I’ve been facing, THIS is what I need more than anything right now. This type of music saved me in my past. Well I’ve been facing the most challenging time in my entire life. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ll understand what I mean by that. And the best part is that my old New Jersey friends are going. Now this is all cool and dandy, but I was soooo excited about my wife being excited about going. She normally doesn’t care about these things as much as I do, but the fact that she was looking forward to it is just amazing. I needed to do this with her. I need to be reminded of all the good times we used to have. This music, this scene, THIS is what is real. I need her to do this with me. I need to have a spiritual experience by being in the middle of a giant field with 30,000 punk rock fans with her by my side. This was going to be a huge step in my progress.

This morning when she came in at 8:30 from working all night she said “I have bad news, I can’t go to riot fest”. The feeling of disappointment I had was numbing.

As I figured, there are about 6 of her coworkers going to Kaaboo, so there is no way she can get off. The people she works with all seem like fun people, so I immediately I started thinking that IF she was off, she would probably have a better time with them at Kaaboo anyway since she’s pretty much a local now, and locals go to Kaaboo? But truthfully, she would go with me to Chicago if she could, but she can’t and it is what it is at this point. She has to work and that is super important.

I don’t know if she said this to try and make me feel better about her not being able to go, but she said that she doesn’t care about music as much as I do. She said that I would most likely get annoyed because she would be bored and not care about seeing the Decendents or Avail with me. I told her that it isn’t so much about the music, it’s more about being there in the moment with me. An escape. A vacation. A weekend with some of our old friends. Something different for a change.

She wants me to go on without her, but I can’t. I just don’t want to go now. I lost interest. I don’t want to do anything now. Depression works in mysterious ways LOL. I really needed this weekend with her. I know she feels bad because of how much this meant to me, but there is nothing we can do about it at this point. Her mom even agreed to come watch the kids for us that weekend, but I don’t want her to come now. I’ll stay with the kids so Bonnie can go to work.

Just to clarify, I am not upset with her or her work. I am just disappointed at the way the situation turned out. It is what it is. I was just longing for something real and meaningful since I have been so fucking goddamn lost with myself in this world.

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