Last night I posted a blog with three of my old facebook blogs from years ago. When I read them after all these years, I felt a sense of both euphoria and melancholy. Euphoric because I was reminded of a time when I was emotionally stable and peaceful and I can get through just about any situation with pure optimism. And melancholy due to recognizing the feelings I had in my soul once vs the darkness I now feel. I’ve changed dramatically. We all change one way or another.
I pulled up my wife’s facebook page today and came across a blog she had written seven years ago when we were so so so desperately trying to conceive another baby. It was a very intense emotional time in our lives. Her blog has a very satisfying ending. It’s a beautiful story and I wish she would write more. She can very well be an inspiration to all women who are struggling with infertility, and their partners who are there for support and having their emotions put to the test well. As a man, this was tough for me too. Enjoy…
Letting Go
By Bonnie Kaz on November 18, 2012
I wrote this a few days ago and then debated about whether or not to share it on facebook with all 400 of my “closest friends”…this morning I decided to go for it and my reason is that I have come to the conclusion that this is nothing I should feel shameful about. This is also something that someone else out there may relate to. It is VERY personal and this is not the easiest thing for me to share and this goes against what many of my friends (especially my Catholic/Christian friends) believe, but please understand this is just the reality of my life and these are the decisions my family and I have made. Here it goes:Wednesday November 14, 2012.. Today I am in DESPERATE need of some therapy. Writing has always been an outlet for me and I think that now I have reached a point where I am finally ready to share something very personal with everyone. The following information may be too much information for some of you, so please only read if you wish. Here it is. Some of our close friends and even some of my coworkers know that for the past year and a half Adam and I have been trying to conceive another child. This journey over the past 21 cycles has brought us many highs and many lows. It has stirred up emotions that I didn’t know could have existed. It has made me a bitter and angry person and it has opened my eyes to all that I should be grateful for (I know that doesn’t make sense, but it’s true). It has been the most “bipolar” phase of my life so far. I never would have imagined how much work and effort actually goes into the creation of a human being. In the beginning it’s all fun and romantic and exciting, then after 6 months or so it becomes more like a task. Something that needs to be planned, scheduled, “fit in”. We had good luck with fertility drugs in helping us conceive Triston so once we had reached our point of desperation with this one we decided to turn to a fertility specialist once again. We were hopeful in the beginning. We started on the meds that we used for Triston and quickly learned that they weren’t enough this time. So we had to keep adding meds: daily shots of IM progesterone (which REALLY hurt), HCG trigger shots, FSH injections (those hurt too)…shots, shots, and more shots, followed by ultrasound after ultrasound, lab work, lab work, and more lab work. We even “one upped” the drugs and tried several rounds of IUI (intrauterine insemination) and still NO luck. Juggling our work schedules, our plans with friends, our entire lives around doctor’s visits…we are at the point of utter exhaustion. The past few months I have felt everything from periods of depression and feelings of despair to feeling angry and resentful to all those around me who are pregnant with their 3rd and 4th child. Even strangers in the elevator with their bellies showing annoyed me. Then I went through the feeling of extreme guilt and shame for being so hateful towards those people. What kind of Christian does this make me? Who am I to judge them or to take away their moment of happiness that they so deserve. Who am I to assume that they had it so easily and who am I to say that even if they did just “accidentally” get pregnant that they shouldn’t be happy about it. God has a plan for everyone and who am I to look at others and pass judgement or be jealous. Then I began to think about those who want so desperately to have even one child but cannot for some reason or another and then I feel even more horrible. How selfish of me to be bitter that I ONLY have one child. Why is it not sufficient to have an only child? Greed is an ugly sin. What have I turned into? In the beginning with each negative pregnancy test I’d break down and cry and it would take me days to recover. There was even a point in time back when we were trying to conceive Triston that I was so upset I had to have Adam call into work for me that night because I literally was lying on the floor of my bathroom curled up in a ball having a nervous breakdown. I’ve come a long way from the breakdowns over the past 21 cycles. I think somewhere around cycle 18 or 19 I got my period and suddenly, I felt numb to it. It’s not that I stopped caring that the pregnancy test was negative, I just think I was so exhausted that I didn’t have the energy for tears anymore. I also think that I have come to expect the negative test so much that it no longer surprises me. Today marks our 21st unsuccessful cycle and I have decided once and for all that I am DONE. I have reached a point that I am officially handing my situation over to God. I love how people keep telling me throughout all of this to “just stop trying” and it will happen. Let me just clarify that this IS NOT what my intentions are here. I’m sorry, but that’s not something you can just shut off. There’s no switch to magically make me stop wanting a sibling for Triston. It’s not that simple…you cannot help what is in your heart. Adam and I discussed taking our fertility issues to the next step, which for us would mean IVF (Invitro fertilization) but I am having a hard time with that due to my own religious/personal beliefs so I am still unsure of that being an option for us. So for now I am going to stick with the “I am done” theory. That’s right. This month I will NOT be going for my cycle day 3 ultrasound and blood work, I will NOT begin taking my femara on cycle days 3-7, I will NOT be taking my follistem shots on days 5, 7, and 9. I will NOT return for another ultrasound on day 10 only to be told that “you’re not quite ready yet…come back in 2 days.” This month I will not force my husband to do the walk of shame with his sample cup across the lab waiting room. Nope. This month I will be hormone free. Aspirin free. I will drink as much coffee as I want. I will drink a glass of wine with dinner if I wish and I will have sex with my husband because WE want to. (Sorry if too much info, but you read my disclaimer in the beginning…this is real.) This is a bittersweet time for me. I feel sad because I am in essence giving up, but I also feel free. I feel at peace. Something I have not felt in a LONG time. I am sure the tears will come eventually, most likely at some random moment where someone mentions something totally and completely unrelated to the topic of babies or fertility, and most likely someplace completely inappropriate like at work or at the grocery store in the middle of the toilet paper section. When that time comes I will not fight it. I will allow myself to be sad, I will allow the tears to pour down my face, I will allow myself to grieve and then…like I always do…I will move past it and be grateful for what I have. I am TRULY blessed with a sweet, beautiful, healthy baby boy who is my LIFE and I have the most amazing man in the world by my side each step of the way. How can I be anything but THANKFUL?
My Secret Universe 