Woe is me

What does it feel like to have someone worry about you? Ask you how you’re doing once in a while? “You seem sad, what’s on your mind?”

Did I ever have that? Or has it just been so long that it feels to have always been non-existent? I will always have that from my parents. But honestly, I don’t need that type of support from my parents. They wouldn’t know how to help me with my current state of emotions.

This is the self-pity world I’ve created for myself.

My children will and always will be our main priority. Their sensitivity, emotions, health, and overall well-being is more important than anyone else in my life. They are young boys with big sensitive hearts and deserve every ounce of positive energy this universe has to offer. My wife has her support system. Her friends and coworkers are always there to check up on her, especially now that her husband is such an emotional wreck, they are there to see how she is doing. And that truly is wonderful that she has that, she needs that, she deserves that. The other people in her life are going to heaven for being there for her. As for me, I have me. Of course she loves me and supports me, that doesn’t go unrecognized. But to really look into my soul every now and then, that is something that I wish I had here. I receive constant unconditional love from my children. That type of love cannot even be explained. The way a child looks at their mom and dad like we have all the answers to the universe is such an inspiring and magical feeling, and I am blessed for it. But they are 5 and 8 years old. They’re too young and naive to even begin to have a clue to what has been going on with their daddy. There will eventually come a day when they find out that I don’t have all the answers. That I am not the superhero they believe me to be. That I am human just like them. Children this age do not know what bipolar is. That being said, I need another adult in my life to check up on me once in a while. Not my biased parents who will blame everyone for my struggles while denying that mental-illness is a thing. I love them both, but they can’t help me. As a matter of fact, although they mean well and their heart may be in the right place, they would just cause me to have even more anxiety. Back when all I would think about was death and what it would look like to everyone if I had expired my own life, how would it effect my parents? It would absolutely devastate them to the point of absolute inner chaos. It would devastate them to the point of impossibilities. They wouldn’t be able to handle it. In my fantasies, I imagined myself adding to the note, emphasizing that they do not need to worry about me. Do not feel sorry about not being here to protect me. I am a grown man, my adolescence came and went a long time ago. My passing should be easier to process. You’ve protected me when I needed protection. You’ve passed the torch over to me. You’ve seen me grown into a man and you did a really great job. Now you no longer need to worry. You will be sad, but don’t be scared. It’s ok. Really.

That was how my sick fantasies would play out in my head. But I feel the need to clarify that I am NOT suicidal. I know I’m painting this horrific picture for you, but it’s nothing to be concerned about. I don’t need this to be passed over to my therapist or the cops. I do not need an unnecessary 5150. I am safe and the people around me are safe.

All I’m saying is that I am in desperate need to be someone’s concern. If I had that type of support system, to be checked up on, perhaps I would have less self-loathing days and more optimism, like the way I used to be. I used to be awesome. I had a million friends. People would often go to me so I can uplift their spirit. I used to be a fucking rockstar. Where the hell did that guy go? The guy with the calm eyes and peaceful smile who knew all the right answers. I truly did have the key to the universe. I am crying out for recognition, nothing more, nothing less. I need to be reminded that I matter.

“The stars can’t shine without darkness”

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The rest of my life

Born and raised in the swamps of New Jersey… the garden state… the arm pit of America, I will be the first one in line to stand up and defend my beautiful home when someone puts it down. From 1 day old to 27 years old, I’ve hung my hat from the Exit 98 sign over looking the Garden State Parkway. On a breezy day, if you listen closely you may be able to hear the sound of my soul blowing in the wind across the Point Pleasant Boardwalk. The Jersey Shore. A place where NO ONE from any other state will say “hey kids, how about a family vacation to New Jersey”, well, other than maybe New York. It’s a place of over-priced access to any beach, big wild hearts, Bruce, and pretty Jersey girls.

Now don’t think for a second that I’m making this out to sound like it’s a place for everyone, because it isn’t. My wife absolutely loathes New Jersey. She wanted out a long time ago. And aside from her, there were absolutely many other people who were looking for a way out as well, for multiple reasons. We may be in agreement that it truly is beautiful as far as the scenery, but all they see is the canvas right in front of them, they don’t see the beauty that carries on way beyond the painting, right down to it’s roots where it stems from. And that’s totally fine to be in disagreement there. But for others, or for most I should say, it’s almost as if it’s a cult. When I hear someone say “you have to be from jersey to understand” I cringe. I don’t know what it is about that statement, but I hate it, it’s annoying. But honestly, it’s so true, you really do have to be from there to see it’s charm.

Porkroll egg and cheese on a hard roll from Bagel Bin for breakfast, Surf Taco for lunch, two plain slices at Pasquales Pizzeria for dinner. Then at some point you wanna meet up with your friends. Back then, some had cell phones, some didn’t. But we didn’t really need a phone. There was always at least one of us in a group who had a phone, so if we were looking for someone or if someone was looking for us, we would just check with the one with the phone. But phone or no phone, we would all start meeting up at the same bench on the boardwalk one by one, usually around 9 or so. That’s where we would all end up every night. That was our place. We would loiter in the same spot on the boards for 4-5 hours. Somewhere in between we would split up, some would go to arcade, some would walk onto the beach, some (definitely me) would go to Chippy’s French Fries for a giant cup of greasy overpriced fries with gravy on the side. I would walk to that bench with a tub of fries like a 4 tear old with a tub of ice cream. And that gravy… so good. If it were a Friday or Saturday night, we’d wait for the people to leave Jenks (club) and we’d sit there and watch the dudes fight with their girlfriends, bro’s fighting with other bro’s, people throwing up, girls with their makeup smeared from crying all night. Oh it was a horrific site to see, but we would laugh and laugh. Then right around 2am or so, we’d leave the boardwalk and head to the Ocean Queen Diner where they almost ALWAYS had 3 tables pushed together waiting for us. At times there would literally be like 20 of us. We’d sit there with our coffee and talk about the night, for hours. Usually after our 8 or 9th cup of coffee, or until they’d kick us out, most of us would call it a night. I would usually leave with a very small crew, like 4 or 5 of us, we’d take one car, leaving the others at the diner, and head back towards the beach to watch the sunrise.

I miss those days. But all they are to me now are good memories of a life I once lived. At 20, 21, 22, it was perfectly normal to have an adventure like that every night. Now at 38 years old, even if I still lived in NJ I obviously wouldn’t be able to do that. I grew up. We all grow up. You can’t stop age no matter how hard you try. No matter how badly you wish you could stay the same age forever, that isn’t reality. Life keeps on going, and the only way to be ready for it is to embrace the inevitable.

I was married in June of ’08, and four months later I would leave New Jersey forever. Of course at the time I didn’t know it would be forever. We left the state for work. Bonnie was a new nurse who had just graduated from jersey city university, and she took her first job down south in North Carolina. I was stoked to live in another state, I just took it as a new adventure, and I love adventure. It’s a new unfamiliar place with different people with a different culture. It was exciting.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

After about 2 years there, I started to get homesick. And by the 9th year, I was way past homesick and I started to feel a new emotion that I never quite felt before. Depression. As I mentioned before, my wife loathes New Jersey. And as I pushed and pushed, I just couldn’t reach her. There was no way she would ever go back, she’d leave me before she went back to that place.

It eventually dawned on me that it really wouldn’t be fair for her to live in a place where she would be unhappy just for me. And I think it was around this time that she realized that it isn’t fair for me to live in a place where I’ll be unhappy, at least that’s what I like to believe.

Once we got to San Diego, I was finally able to see the light side of life again. I felt different, like I had been reborn. My soul still moves with the wind on a breezy day in New Jersey, my soul will never leave, but my heart followed me from NJ. But something followed me from North Carolina. Something dark, something dangerous. Something ugly and violent. Something that is responsible for over 800,000 deaths a year world wide. Depression. It followed me out here and I didn’t even know it. It followed me out here like Robert De Niro in Cape Fear. Only this time it was as big as King Kong, and it had me in the palm of his hand. My theory is that I held it in for too long in North Carolina, it filled up like a balloon. And once I got out here it was too late, it had popped. If you hold in your thoughts and feelings long enough, you’ll eventually explode. That is why it is so important to talk to someone. You should always get professional help no matter what, unfortunately I waited too long… but it’s always helpful if you have a friend to talk to, someone who you’re comfortable being completely vulnerable with, someone who understands you. Just a friend, that’s it. I’ve had the same friends since high school. They would do anything for me if I were in a crisis. But my crisis happened and I was too afraid to reach out to them. I guess maybe it’s because I’ve been away for so long that I slowly began losing touch with them over the years. They have families of their own and I just really didn’t want to interfere with their lives. The last time we were together, like really together as best friends, we were much younger. We all have our own stuff happening and that is why I didn’t want to reach out to them. I may be wrong about this, but it’s my assumption that maybe perhaps I spent too many years away from NJ. At the time I had no idea that I would end up the way I am now. Right now, my only friend is my wife. And I’ve pushed her away. Or at least that is what my mind keeps telling me. I love her so much, but I don’t think she looks at me the same way she used to. She is my only friend and if I ever lose her, I’m fucked. I am emotionally fucked and I couldn’t handle it.

Wow. So I’ve been working on this post since 2:30 this afternoon with many pauses in between. It was supposed to be a happy post about New Jersey and I couldn’t wait to finish it to show it off. But in the middle of my writing, it took a wrong turn. That’s how quickly my mood changes. Its embarrassing. I don’t want to edit it now because I’ve spent too much time on this, plus I need to get my emotions out and set them lose. Let’s see if I can change this around.

San Diego was supposed to change our lives, and it did. But not the way we’ve imagined, at least for me. I’m trying so hard to rebuild my faith in this world but it’s so hard. I hurt. I need to constantly be reminded by my wife that she’s still in love with me, and that’s exhausting on her part. Another thing I realized about myself is that my ONLY trigger is her. I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way, what I mean is that when it feels like I’m losing her, that’s when my depression and mania sets in. Nothing else in this world is a problem to me, I don’t have any other triggers. But it all starts with my asshole of a brain. These damn thoughts and worries. It’s my fault and I don’t want it to be my fault.

Recently, she suggested that I go back and spend a few weeks in NJ. But honestly, I don’t want to anymore. Every time I go back to visit it looks different. I hardly recognize it and it sure as shit doesn’t recognize me anymore either. I became a stranger in the place I got my name from. It just isn’t the place I remember. I don’t feel that charm anymore. I don’t feel anything when I think of NJ. I’m just lost.

You know, when I first had the idea of becoming a blogger, I wanted to use my mental health as a way to possibly help others. But I just turned this into a journal instead. Releasing all of my struggles to a world of people who don’t even know who I am. But it still helps. I may not have my friends near by to talk to, so I use this as a way to get it all out. I was writing in a notebook, but it just felt like I was talking to myself.

It’s still a work in progress, and I WILL turn this around. I may be lost, and I may not be as happy as I once was, but I don’t ever want to leave San Diego. My happiness is somewhere to be found, and it starts within my family. Family is everything to me. Triston, little Ari, and of course my wife Bonnie. These are the people who keep me alive. The ones that give me the fuel I need to keep going. I must keep going.

I fell asleep last Saturday

Underneath polluted skies

I walked alone on those Jersey nights, and I

Saw the boardwalk start to fall

The emptiness starts to drown

The quiet corners of this town, and I…

Late last night, I made my plans

It was the only thing I felt I could do

Said goodbye to my best friend

Sometimes there’s no one left to tell you the truth

It’s gonna kill me… the rest of my life

Let me apologize while I’m still alive

I know it’s hard to face all of my past mistakes

It’s gonna kill me for the rest of my life

This is my all time low

Somehow it feels so familiar

Somehow it seems so familiar

I feel like letting go

And every second that goes by

I’m screaming out for a second try

Said goodbye to my best friend

Sometimes there’s no one left to tell you the truth

It’s gonna kill me… the rest of my life

Let me apologize while I’m still alive

I know it’s hard to face all of my past mistakes

I’ve got to live with them the rest of my life

This is the mess I’ve made

These are the words I can’t erase

This is my life support shutting down for the final time

And it twists like a blade

And it kills me for the rest of my life

If you won’t forgive me

The rest of my life

Let me apologize while I’m still alive

I know it’s time to face all of my past mistakes

It’s gonna kill me for the rest of my life…

☠️❤️ Less Than Jake ❤️☠️

The reason I went insane

The moment you meet the person who will be the one to share such a huge part of your life with all seems like far away dream. It begins with that new taste of romance that consists of being young and naive, partying, cuddling, sex, love notes left on your car, and sleeping till noon. Sure, the others guys you work with, the dudes who have at least 20 years on you will try to mess with your head by telling you not to get married, don’t fall for it… they change… you’ll eventually resent each other… one of you will cheat on the other, its just a matter of who will cheat first… she’ll leave you if she meets someone else who can offer you more than you could…….. This is what I had to put up with for the entire year I was engaged. Don’t get me wrong, the guys I worked with were good people and I enjoyed working with them. And I knew they were just busting my balls because I was a just a “kid” in my mid-20’s. What did I know? Once you know that this is it, that this is the one, you envision your entire future. You see yourself laying on a grassy field with your significant other and children staring up at the clouds. You see yourself and the career you’ve chosen. You see yourself having family bbq’s in the backyard of the house you own, the one with the white picket fence. You see yourself having all the answers when your kids come running to you with questions about life, about the entire universe….

This is a post about my wife, Bonnie. She is going to kill me for posting these pictures, but I don’t care. At 39, she is still as beautiful as the day I met her almost 14 years ago and I love to brag. I am proud to be her husband.

The reality is this.. life is still incredible, but we get so caught up in this overwhelming tornado of stress, finances, homework, runny noses, car issues, bad nights at work, the kids fighting with each other, having dinner on the table, looking for last minute babysitters so you don’t lose your job, my evil mother in law telling me I’m wrong, HER evil mother in law telling her SHE’S wrong, EVERYONE’S evil mother in law putting their noses where they don’t belong. And just to be clear, I am not putting my mother in law down, I’m just saying this out of love. Because lets face it, almost every mother in law out there gets in the middle of things that should ONLY concern you and your partner. My mom is the perfect example. I love her, she is my mom and I will never stop loving her, but because she doesn’t always mind her business, it can sometimes lead to a little tension in the house. And that causes stress, perhaps even a little resentment towards one another. With my experience in this matter, at the end of the day I need to come to a decision: side with my mom, or side with my wife. Well, I am no mamas boy, so of course I’m going to side with my life partner. But thats not to say that I won’t play devils advocate and listen to both sides, I’m fair. But still, this is my family and no-one matters more than my family. WE get to make the final decision with how to move forward with our lives, not them…. where was I going with this? I forgot… Oh, what I was really trying to say is that these are prime examples of how things start to slow down in a marriage. But the important thing is to not lose site of it. If you start putting every about of attention on your everyday struggles, of course you’re going to put that romance on the top shelf, where it will be easily forgotten about. You need to take care of those struggles, but at the same time keep at least one toe on that one thing that made this all possible, your love for one another. If you had never gotten together with your partner like this…

then your body wouldn’t have looked like this…

and you definitely wouldn’t have smiled as hard as this..

and you wouldn’t have pictures to show off how your little creations are adapting to this new universe…

I don’t care if your the toughest, most unbreakable man with the thickest skin on the planet. If you love your family, you will break down and become a pathetic shriveled down lost little soul just by the thought of after being together as best friends, soul mates, life partners for the past 14 years was about to end. Everything that the two of you have built over time, every kiss, every laugh, every tear, every life made, every diagnosis, every friend we lost together, everything that the two of us had been through together flashes before your eyes like the way they say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It’s so easy to lose it, and so hard to hang on. The moment that I lost my mind was the night that I had a gut wrenching suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. It was painful to think that she can have the energy to not even betray me, but betray our children like that. I was torturing myself by putting the pieces to the puzzle together one by one. And I had it buried so deep inside of me that everything was making sense. I lost my mind. I couldn’t take it. I was so sad. I was crushed. I was in denial. There was NO way she would or could do anything like this to me. But what about that one time she said she was going out to…… or, she said she is leaving for work, but where is she really going? It was fucked up for me to believe those voices in my head, but as desperately hard I tried, with every amount of energy I had left in my soul to ignore those demons, I just couldn’t. The voices were just too loud. I was wrong for believing it. I just had this painful idea that she is a grown woman capable of anything, and some things can easily be brought to the grave with her that I will never find out about. I want to skip all that hospital shit in between and go straight to the bottom line. I know my wife had never been with another man. I have faith that I am the only person she has been with during these last 14 years. Has there been any sort of attraction between her and another man? maybe. But thats alright, she’s human. You can’t control being attracted to someone, but you CAN control your behavior, and thats good enough for me.

But I think I’ve finally figured out why I am in such a state of paranoia, I’ve finally figured out the main trigger to my depression..

It goes like this:

We had moved 3,000 miles away from the east coast to the west coast while not having a clue of what expect here. We were strangers to a new unfamiliar territory, but we were in it together. Adapting to this new world we chose to make for ourselves. We were on the same level me and her. But as time started moving along, so did she. She landed a solid new career and I couldn’t be more stoked for her. She is making friends. She is moving forward, as she should be doing. But she’s moving so fast that I can’t even keep up with her. She has already adapted. She is a California girl. And it seems like she no longer needs me. She finally found the world that she didn’t even known she’s been looking for. She no longer needs me. In my sad little brain, I feel like I am nothing more than an annoying little thing hooked around her ankle, preventing her from going out with friends or coworkers on the weekend, and I’m just following her around because I don’t have any friends or a social circle, so I’m mooching off of her. I’m holding her back. These new demons are even more controlling than the last demons. They are convincing me that I am not the person she is supposed to be with, and that idea fucking kills me. And I’m trying so hard to talk about it with her, knowing I’m wrong, but just try and let her know the reasons for my unexpected tears. And thats another thing, when I do try and open up to her, I cry. I fucking cry. I sound like such a baby, a much much older baby, an emotionally fucked up wreck. The past month has been so amazing, and if I ruin everything again because of how emotionally stable I am, I’ll just hate myself that much more. I am going to ask her to read this because its a lot easier than dealing with confrontation.

She loves getting tattooed, and I love watching her get tattooed…

and when it comes to Halloween, we don’t fuck around…

and she can hang with the rockstars…

As I reflect on the past several months and try to make sense of it all, I strongly believe that the only thing I am guilty of is loving my wife. I love my family. Yes, we have as many struggles as the next family, but I am so proud of all of our accomplishments. But I’ve fought so, so, so ridiculously hard to keep my family together. I’ve fought so hard that I ended up in the hospital because I was too paranoid of losing her forever. I lost my mind. As I said earlier, I saw the past 14 years of my life flash before my eyes when it seemed like this marriage was about to come to an end. The idea of loving someone more than they’ll ever love you is impossible. This is my family, and I don’t plan on losing it. We belong together, all of us.

My favorite thing about her is when she smiles. She smiles when she is in the moment. She smiles when she is enjoying life at that exact moment. When I notice her smile, I just take a few steps back and watch her forget about her stress and worries. She’s in the moment, and that’s a very important moment because she isn’t alive yesterday, she isn’t alive tomorrow, she is alive in this moment. And if I can walk over and put my arm around her, pulling her closer to me, I have a chance.

I know she loves me, she always has and always will. But the effort goes both ways to make a marriage work. We are in this world together. We built this world. We own our world. It is ours.

For better or worse, till death do us part…..

People who are suicidal don’t want to die, they just want the pain to stop

This was an article that I saw on Facebook, I did not write this myself. But this is a very interesting take on Suicide. Please read…..

I know this is an extremely sensitive topic, but it is one that needs to be discussed.

Because I know for a fact that at one point in our lives, we have been suicidal or have known someone struggling with these thoughts. One in five people struggle with mental health issues. That means for every room you enter with hesitancy and your head turned downward, believing you are the only one with issues, one in five of those people are going through the exact same thing.

For someone who has never experienced suicidal thoughts, the thought of wanting to die in itself can seem ludicrous. The sun is shining, there is a chance for another day, you are in love, the breakfast you had that morning was delicious. The thought of dying seems way too far-fetched. Something left for a time far away in the future. What more could you ask for?

But for those who struggle with debilitating mental illnesses, such as depression, the demon of them all, suicidality is a strong risk. Let me make this clear. Depression can kill you. You need your brain to eat a meal that tantalizes your taste buds. You need your brain to have the guts to socialize with people at school or work. You need your brain to feel the warm air on a sunny day and feel relief. You need your brain to kiss and feel the warmth of the kiss all throughout your body.

But a depressed mind often feels none of this. You are constantly in a state of isolation in your mind. Enjoyment is no longer something you crave. Simple tasks seem like a chore and your bed is your safe haven. Sleep calls you constantly, just so you can get a short escape.

When we think of someone who is suicidal, or just the term in itself, we shy away from even talking about it. It frightens us. The realness of it seems too much to swallow and we just sweep it right under the rug. We do this because suicide is viewed for the finality of it all. It happens, and we are left wondering…

“She was beautiful.” “He was smart.” “She was talented.” “He excelled in sports.”

But none of that can hinder the mind from becoming unwell.

It doesn’t matter what we look like on the outside. The brain is a blessing, but yet can also be a wicked thing when it comes to mental health. I deal with depression on a day-to-day basis, have been through a dramatic relapse, and I can tell you from my experience, suicidal people do not truly want to die, but see it as the only option to end the pain they are in.

To the suicidal mind, you feel trapped. You feel suffocated by the state of your psyche and there seems like there is no way out. Day in and day out, you deal with mental agony and anguish that both frightens you and pushes you at the same time. You feel like death is the only way out, but at the same time, the human in you desperately wants to fight to cling on to hope. To cling on to life.

It’s human nature to want to survive, to live, to thrive. But mental illness can get to a point where you seem isolated.

Mental illness can be a battle. A battle of the mind, a battle that many are unfortunate to experience. But I can tell you that death is the ultimate, last resort for someone who feels suicidal. They might feel like they’ve exhausted all efforts and everything that they try has failed to provide relief. They feel like there are walls in their mind that have locked them deep behind and there is no way out.

Most importantly, however, suicidal people do not want to die. They want to live so desperately, but they can’t seem to find a way to. They feel like they have exhausted all their options and the pain they are experiencing is well beyond them.

Many will say that people who are suicidal are looking for attention, or they are cowardly for feeling the way that they do. But depression is real and you shouldn’t be judged for going through something that is incredibly scary and lonely. People who experience suicidal thoughts do not need anyone criticizing them or belittling them for having the thoughts they do.

If you’ve been there or are there right now, give yourself credit for the tremendous strength you have as a human being for making it thus far. Commend yourself for surviving even though inside you want to just crumble. Congratulate yourself for making it through this hour without acting on your thoughts.

I know you want to live. I want you to live too so you can inspire others with your story. I want you to be able to be a voice for everyone who has experienced these thoughts and are still alive to tell the tale. I want you to grow through all of this and know that even though you are hurting and in a place that seems absolutely beyond you, you can get through it. You are here for a reason and you are stronger because of all you have been through.

You are a survivor.

Use your story to propel yourself further as an individual. Use your story to remind yourself of your strength and all that you have survived thus far. You should be commended for making it this far, to this very moment, and for all the progress you have made.

I want you to know your beating heart is the hope you have been looking for, and death is not the only option. Look at where you are right now, look at all the people who have provided you with hope thus far. I know, it is not easy to believe death is not the only option. Trust me, I am where you have been or are. But your life is worth living because you are still here trying to survive, you are still here getting stronger each and every day, getting better each and every day, even if you don’t realize it.

I’m still here with you, so don’t give up just yet.

Advocate for yourself

This past February I was hospitalized and put on a 72 hour hold. That was when I knew that I have to get my bipolar under control. While I was on the hold, I met with my psychiatrist for the first time. He wasn’t ready to discharge me at first, which was scary because I didn’t want to be there in the first place. I mean I am grateful that the damage that I may have caused didn’t happen and nothing at a permanent outcome, but he said that he will discharge me if I would agree to this partial hospitalization program (PHP). I was thinking “I will agree to do ANYTHING if it means that I can get out of “jail”, have my phone back, and actually eat my breakfast/lunch/dinner will actual human beings.

Well, in order to get into the program, I have to sign something that says I will commit to not touching marijuana or alcohol while in this type of treatment. I’ve never a regular marijuana user, I just picked it up a few months before my hospitalization. It wasn’t a part of me and I didn’t rely on it. But I signed it just to get out of my hold.

I have now been in this program for 4 months. I went from going 5 days a week, 6 hours a day to the IOP (which is what I am in now) 3 days a week, 3 hours a day. Every.single.day they have me in the drugs and alcohol group. I have asked time and time again to PLEASE put me in one of the mood groups. They keep telling me that I’m supposed to be in this group because of my marijuana use. Well today, 2 weeks before my discharge, I finally exploded and said “I do not, have never, and will never have a drug or alcohol problem. THAT is NOT why I am here. I am here because I WANTED TO FUCKING DIE. I belong one of cognitive therapy groups. Every day on our 15 minute break I see your patients outside on the sidewalk vaping, right before they go into THEIR mood group high. How dare you think I have a drug problem. You are not respecting my needs. I’m graduating from this program in 2 weeks, if I end up back upstairs (inpatient) at anytime, that is YOUR fuck up”. It’s so frustrating.

These therapists, they are amazing. And they really are, I’m not being sarcastic one bit. BUT they have it all figured out, don’t they? They always know what’s best for the patient even if the patient doesn’t have a single trace of THC in their urine, yes, they test once a week.

I won’t deny for a minute that this is not a good program, because it is. It’s an amazing program and I really am absorbing the coping skills that I need, when I am NOT in the drugs and alcohol treatment room just staring at a fucking wall, unable to relate to what anyone is saying.

I guess the purpose of this post is to vent, but also to finally say that you should ALWAYS take your therapists advice, but NEVER be afraid to question it or stand up for yourself if you feel like something isn’t working. Just like medication. If you feel that your meds aren’t working, discuss it with your psychiatrist. Don’t ever just stop taking it, but definitely have that conversation.

Advocate for yourself, even if no one else will. Don’t ever just “accept” the things that you may not feel is right.

But ALWAYS seek help no matter what.

Insecurities and adventures

I don’t know how to start these things. Sometimes my “creativity” needs a little nudge in order to get started.

So I’ll just start it like this..

Ever since the “reset” button was pushed (refer back to a few posts ago if you’re not caught up), like 2 weeks ago, things have felt a little different in our relationship. Things have felt better. She seems a lot less exhausted, well, other than her body and mind going to shit from working the graveyard shift and sleeping all the next day, then goes back into the graveyard, and a little more calm. I’ve full on taken the roll of a stay at home dad. A typical day in the life of Adam consists of setting my alarm for 5am, showering and getting ready for the day, making coffee, waking the kids up for school at 6am, getting them dressed, brush their hair and teeth, feed them breakfast, be out the door at exactly 6:30 -because at 6:32, the freeway becomes mayhem- drive 30 miles which takes 54 minutes with the morning rush hour, drop Triston off first, then drop Ari off, drive 20 miles to Alvarado Parkway Institute so I can learn how to cope with existing in society, go to the gym right after, drive 30 minutes to get Triston from school at 2:05, go to Barnes and Noble to help him with his homework, drive to Ari’s school, take Triston to one of his appointments, occupational OR speech therapy, check the planner to see if Ari has any appointments that day, stop at the grocery store on the way home, buy a Bouquet of flowers to replace the dead ones, grab the boys a snack, take Bonnie’s clothes out from the dryer and do her a favor by folding them, then do Triston’s laundry, then do Ari’s laundry, then do my laundry, feed them dinner, give them baths, put their pajamas on, brush their hair and teeth, lay out their clothes for the next day, get them in bed, then clean the dishes, wipe the counter down, sweep the floor, feed the animals, walk the dog….. take a deep breath and fuck off on the couch with a candle burning, glass of wine, and re-runs of Breaking Bad.

No, I am not patting myself on the back. I put myself in manic mode because I know that the second I sit down, I will lose all motivation. And not to mention, I just really want to help my wife out with as much as I possibly can. Because I love her. With the way my emotions have been in the past 6 or so months, with the paranoia that she is out there with someone else betraying me and our marriage, I needed to put those demons away. Nothing good will ever come from it.

So, instead of being paranoid and watching every step she makes, I’m going to do the opposite and kill her with love, kindness, and compassion. She may take it or leave it, that isn’t up to me. But at the end of the day I take great pleasure knowing that I’m doing this for her.

Now, let’s talk about my insecurities and how they’ve become the new paranoia..

Yesterday we had a really great day. Together we brought the boys and our dog to the Del Mar dog beach. When we first moved to San Diego, everything was amazing. We were happy, we had each other, and our marriage was solid. Yesterday as we were standing on that boulder watching the waves crash under the big blue sky, I was reflecting on the people we used to be. I was nostalgic even though it’s only been a year and a half. At one point I grabbed her by the waist and put my arms around her and said “do you remember when we used to do this and enjoyed it before everything went to shit”?

First let me clarify that I do not believe she is cheating on me, those demons fucked off. But of course, the old demons were replaced by the new demons. Last night as we were laying in bed, I started to really get carried away with letting my brain take the midnight wheel. We are having financial issues this week. She brings in the only income and I can’t contribute at all. All I can think about was her and her coworkers. She works with people who really have their shit together and aren’t an emotional wreck like me.

“Why is she with me when there are other men out there who can offer her things that I cannot”

“She is a very strong and intelligent woman, and she works with intelligent men, and I’m just Adam. A dope from NJ with no direction”

“I am worthless to her and the kids”

“With her salary and with the salary of someone else, together they can buy the perfect house”

“I am holding her and the kids back”

“I should do the right thing and let her go”

Those were the voices that were going over and over again until I couldn’t take it anymore. I just had to get up and go on the other room. On the dark kitchen floor, I sat up against the cabinet under the sink with my head between my legs hysterically crying, and I couldn’t stop. I felt absolutely useless. My depression took another turn, and this one hurt. When the voices tell me the things I mentioned above, I’m not very nice to myself. I put myself down, I degrade myself. I’m too deep in that hole that I really do, with all my heart, believe these things about myself. I am her idiot husband.

This morning I came clean with her and confessed what was on my mind (and still is on my mind). What she said to me today is what she’s been saying to me for years…

“You can do what I do if you give it a shot”

-are you serious? Do you really believe that I can do what you do?

“Go to college, it’s never too late for college. You can do ANYTHING you want as long as you don’t sell yourself short”

-yeah but, I was a senior in high school 3 years in a row, I graduated when I was 20. When it comes to math, I can’t go beyond multiplication. I’m just not book smart, I never was.

“Well… you need to find that ONE thing that makes you happy, and pursue it. Do something with your photography skills”

-LOL “skills”??? I wouldn’t necessarily say that I have skills. I bought my camera back in 2010 and I couldn’t even begin to try to understand the settings. I have no idea what I’m doing.

“It doesn’t matter, that’ll eventually come. What you need to do is get the word out somehow and say that you are trying to get a portfolio together, I need people who are willing to let me shoot them for free”

-yeah but, what if I suck and the exposure is all fucked up or something? It’s embarrassing.

“Well, there are photography classes you can take 😁”

So this morning I finally took her advice and started looking at courses I could take. I know my wife. What makes her exceptionally cool is that I know she would support me 110%. Obviously, we need the money. However, if I find that one thing that would make me happy, and I stick with it, and can potentially make it a career some day, she would back me up. It would be different if I didn’t take chances and just sat in my ass all fucking day soaking in my own sorrow. Which is what I’ve been doing. How can anyone be attracted to THAT?

At this point in my life, depressed, anxious, paranoid, on the verge of losing my family, and standing on the edge.. at this point in my life why not just say YES to something and take that leap? Embrace it. I can’t tell you how much I fucking love the word EMBRACE. If I started coming home every evening, with a HUUUUGE stupid smile on my face, completely stoked about my day, things would get better for my family and myself. Even if I’m not getting paid a dime, I can guarantee that my wife Bonnie would enjoy being my wife again. When she and I first met in the winter of ’06, she would see that man again. It’s the only thing I can do with myself and just embrace whatever challenges come my way.

Thomas Edison was one of the most important humans to had ever walked this planet. He was a very inspirational man, and there are three quotes that have inspired for a long time, I just did nothing with it and ended up being a lazy insecure fucking nobody. He said:

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

And

” many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

So why couldn’t I just listen to him and go for it, even if I didn’t achieve my goals? Let’s fucking go and embrace this amazing world with curiosity, adventure, and heart!

Let’s go!